A Special Place©

There’s a place where I go when I need comfort and peace. It doesn’t have walls or a floor or a roof. It has no boundaries at all. Sometimes its small – sometimes its very large.

It wasn’t always a place I went willingly. You see - it used to be a sad place filled with pain, bitterness and fear. It was a huge fiery pit that trapped me in grief and hopeless despair. I didn’t like being there, but it was where I lived for far too long.

I knew it was not good for me to go there, but I could not control my need to question – to accuse – to search for a reason and to try to fix what went wrong. I felt cheated and angry - the sadness overwhelmed me. It exasperated me that days, months and even years were going by as if nothing had happened. How could this be? I needed answers, but there were none.

Slowly, as time passed, I began to sort out my feelings and to let go of my anger. It didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t a sudden enlightened moment – it just gradually happened. My mind and heart seemed to fill with all the wonderful, happy memories that I thought were gone forever. I felt an intense sense of joy in who you were and how you lived your life.

Your spirit became very strong and alive in my heart. All I had to do was to allow you to comfort me. I know this sounds strange, but it is what happened. The floodgates opened and I was embraced by magnificent memories that were the essence of you. I could, and still do, feel your presence and hear your voice. I even had a vivid dream of you coming to me and telling me you were finally home and you were all right and not to worry.

Ever the skeptic - I wonder - am I just imaging this sense of peace? Is it real? I don’t know, but it really doesn’t matter. What is important is the comfort I find in this place where your spirit heals my heart and reminds me that one day we will all be together again forever in Heaven. It is very real to me – it gives me hope. I feel truly blessed that the God I was so angry at has indeed heard my prayers and answered them in the only way he could.

I wish that I could give grieving parents everywhere a magic potion that would give them peace. I know this is not possible; we are all different and must find our own way of coping with our loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve – it is an intensely personal process that we must all go through. I will continue to pray that God, in his divine wisdom, will grant grieving parents everywhere a way to deal with their loss.

Have I stopped grieving? Of course not - that will never happen. But I now have a special place to go where I can find comfort and peace. Rest well my son – I love you.

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Paula W. Hickey